How to Get Over your First Love
I may lack experience, in having only completely fallen in love once in my life, but I feel it's fair to say that it can prove to either be the best or worst thing you ever do; dependent upon the outcome. I can assure you that, despite the rather pessimistic opening, I will try my best to ensure that this post does not take a depressing turn; if anything, I'm trying to make the most of my recent experience of heartbreak to offer advice I wish I'd had.
As an introductory point, put quite frankly, heartbreak sucks. Considering how much I loved (and still admittedly love) the person who inflicted this upon me, it has proved to be one of the most difficult and obscure experiences that life has thrown at me throughout my eighteen years of existence, to date. But it's bearable. It feels impossible to deal with at first. It can make you excessively tearful, impair your ability to function like a human (you know, with eating and sleeping and all that jazz); and later on even quite numb. And I've come to realise that's completely normal - if anything, you'll end up much stronger for it.
It may or may not have taken me a Dodie Clark video to make me realise this, but nevertheless the message still resonates with me; as tempting as it is to do all you can to avoid the seemingly unbearable load of intense emotions you're immediately facing, you need to try your best not to let yourself avoid them. Of course, it's undeniable that there are many ways you can temporarily convince yourself that your feelings don't exist - through alcohol, for example - but the end effect of resorting to such things is ultimately negative, considering that by getting through that immediate intense wave of emotions, you're overcoming a necessary stage in the whole process of getting over someone that you're still in love with. So blast out the breakup songs (Adele is a personal favourite!), cry your eyes out and generally just let yourself feel. Be sad. Be angry. It's okay to be vulnerable. Just let it out by healthy means and don't do anything you'll end up regretting.
One mean of releasing your natural rage that you are probable to end up regretting is ranty text messages to your ex. Hence, it is probably a good idea that you cut all possible contact with the individual in question - for now, at least. I've blocked my ex on all social media platforms; not to show hard feelings, but to supplement my own healing process - because, naturally, daily reminders of someone you feel so strongly about is not going to help you to get over them in the long run. That doesn't necessarily mean you're preventing any possible contact in the future; you can always unblock them once you're feeling ready. I've found it personally useful to keep the person's number unblocked so that, if they were to ever wish to contact me, they have the ability to, without the pain of me seeing their photos on a daily basis. Indeed, friendship or even a rekindled romantic relationship may come eventually, but it's a good idea to leave the original pursuit of that to them; because any relationship involves two people, and it should never just be you putting all the effort in.
Unfollowing them on social media platforms is a good stage in avoiding painful triggers of memories of them. Dependent on the duration of your relationship, it's probable that there are loads of potential triggers. But that's okay, because even if the memories never go away they'll gradually become less and less painful to recall upon. You just need to accept that it's okay to get hurt by them; I was petty enough to get upset today going out for lunch at a place we used to go together a lot under a friend's request, as it led me to reflect upon all the happy memories we had experienced there; laughing and joking about. Still, I'm happy to say that beginning to be able to walk through some of the old places we'd go together not simply crying but recalling little anecdotes to my friends - like the time she had to force-feed herself seaweed water (listed on the menu as "Miso soup") at a local Japanese restaurant in order to not look rude in front of staff.
The breakup has led me to change all my music taste, because a mutual love of music had been so important within our relationship. And that's normal; if anything, it's given me an opportunity to rediscover myself and my tastes until the memories triggered by songs and activities and places aren't as painful to face.
Those that have had their heart broken all know it too well; when you're mourning for someone that's walked out of your life, the last thing you want to do is leave the house and be productive. I spent days after she left me sitting around and crying all day; complaining to my relatives and blaming myself for the failed relationship. But despite how little you wish to get out and do things, you will feel much better for it. Now is a time to be with your friends and family, to enjoy your natural surroundings; to indulge in shopping trips and books and binge-watches of your favourite TV shows. That's right, you don't necessarily need a rebound to cope with your feelings.
Happiness is difficult to find but, sometimes, you've just got to fake it until you make it, and accept that although one aspect of your life is out of your control (I mean, you can't control how your ex feels about you), you can invest your energy in alternative academic or work-based goals that benefit you. Start doing things for yourself, and come to realise that you don't need them for your happiness. You are a strong and independent person that should not be controlled by or valued upon poor treatment inflicted upon you by someone that's supposed to love you. Self-care comes in small steps - moisturising your skin and staying hydrated - but they all contribute towards increasing the sense of value you begin to associate with yourself.
This leads me on to my last point, which I deem to be the most important. From a personal perspective, it's taken me a lot of conversation with close friends and family to discover that my ex has recently treated me appallingly, and so even under the unlikely circumstance that she was to ever want me back, she wouldn't deserve me. Even if you believe your love for them is unconditional, now is a time to begin to appreciate your self worth, and to acknowledge that the person that is meant for you would genuinely treat you like a prince(ss)/alternative gender neutral term (I'm not very good at this). I've come to realise that people speak truthfully when they suggest that someone who truly values you would never do anything that would risk them losing you. And so even if the person in question is to ever enter your life again, you shouldn't even consider speaking to them until they apologise sincerely and prove that they value your worth through both actions and words. If they fail to do this, then they are genuinely not worth your time, as much as you may love them.
I feel that, for now, my most healthy manner of thinking is to force myself to believe that my ex is never going to love me, and is accordingly never going to want me back. That doesn't get rid of my tendencies to idealise over highly improbable hypothetical situations where she'd admit that she still has feelings for me or misses me or whatever. At the end of the day, you need to be blunt with yourself and realise that you've done all you've can to fix your relationship; and so the rest of it is down to them. If they genuinely missed you they'd be here (or wherever you are?) trying to prove it - because, as my mother has said many times, where there's a will, there's a way. If they never do, that is no reflection upon yourself but simply a fact which accentuates the extent to which they don't deserve you; and I promise you that you will end up with someone that absolutely adores you, and accordingly pursues you themselves. What is meant for you won't pass you, you will meet your soulmate and they will come to you, regardless of whether they are a changed form of the person you've just broken up with or a completely different person altogether. As a strong believer in fate, I like to think that if I'm meant to be with the person who broke my heart, she will come back to me one day; if not, I'll end up with someone who will truly appreciate me for who I am. You shouldn't have to change for anybody.
Do you have any advice for people going through heartbreak? Please share your experiences in the comments section below.
Kate x
As an introductory point, put quite frankly, heartbreak sucks. Considering how much I loved (and still admittedly love) the person who inflicted this upon me, it has proved to be one of the most difficult and obscure experiences that life has thrown at me throughout my eighteen years of existence, to date. But it's bearable. It feels impossible to deal with at first. It can make you excessively tearful, impair your ability to function like a human (you know, with eating and sleeping and all that jazz); and later on even quite numb. And I've come to realise that's completely normal - if anything, you'll end up much stronger for it.
It may or may not have taken me a Dodie Clark video to make me realise this, but nevertheless the message still resonates with me; as tempting as it is to do all you can to avoid the seemingly unbearable load of intense emotions you're immediately facing, you need to try your best not to let yourself avoid them. Of course, it's undeniable that there are many ways you can temporarily convince yourself that your feelings don't exist - through alcohol, for example - but the end effect of resorting to such things is ultimately negative, considering that by getting through that immediate intense wave of emotions, you're overcoming a necessary stage in the whole process of getting over someone that you're still in love with. So blast out the breakup songs (Adele is a personal favourite!), cry your eyes out and generally just let yourself feel. Be sad. Be angry. It's okay to be vulnerable. Just let it out by healthy means and don't do anything you'll end up regretting.
One mean of releasing your natural rage that you are probable to end up regretting is ranty text messages to your ex. Hence, it is probably a good idea that you cut all possible contact with the individual in question - for now, at least. I've blocked my ex on all social media platforms; not to show hard feelings, but to supplement my own healing process - because, naturally, daily reminders of someone you feel so strongly about is not going to help you to get over them in the long run. That doesn't necessarily mean you're preventing any possible contact in the future; you can always unblock them once you're feeling ready. I've found it personally useful to keep the person's number unblocked so that, if they were to ever wish to contact me, they have the ability to, without the pain of me seeing their photos on a daily basis. Indeed, friendship or even a rekindled romantic relationship may come eventually, but it's a good idea to leave the original pursuit of that to them; because any relationship involves two people, and it should never just be you putting all the effort in.
Unfollowing them on social media platforms is a good stage in avoiding painful triggers of memories of them. Dependent on the duration of your relationship, it's probable that there are loads of potential triggers. But that's okay, because even if the memories never go away they'll gradually become less and less painful to recall upon. You just need to accept that it's okay to get hurt by them; I was petty enough to get upset today going out for lunch at a place we used to go together a lot under a friend's request, as it led me to reflect upon all the happy memories we had experienced there; laughing and joking about. Still, I'm happy to say that beginning to be able to walk through some of the old places we'd go together not simply crying but recalling little anecdotes to my friends - like the time she had to force-feed herself seaweed water (listed on the menu as "Miso soup") at a local Japanese restaurant in order to not look rude in front of staff.
The breakup has led me to change all my music taste, because a mutual love of music had been so important within our relationship. And that's normal; if anything, it's given me an opportunity to rediscover myself and my tastes until the memories triggered by songs and activities and places aren't as painful to face.
Those that have had their heart broken all know it too well; when you're mourning for someone that's walked out of your life, the last thing you want to do is leave the house and be productive. I spent days after she left me sitting around and crying all day; complaining to my relatives and blaming myself for the failed relationship. But despite how little you wish to get out and do things, you will feel much better for it. Now is a time to be with your friends and family, to enjoy your natural surroundings; to indulge in shopping trips and books and binge-watches of your favourite TV shows. That's right, you don't necessarily need a rebound to cope with your feelings.
Happiness is difficult to find but, sometimes, you've just got to fake it until you make it, and accept that although one aspect of your life is out of your control (I mean, you can't control how your ex feels about you), you can invest your energy in alternative academic or work-based goals that benefit you. Start doing things for yourself, and come to realise that you don't need them for your happiness. You are a strong and independent person that should not be controlled by or valued upon poor treatment inflicted upon you by someone that's supposed to love you. Self-care comes in small steps - moisturising your skin and staying hydrated - but they all contribute towards increasing the sense of value you begin to associate with yourself.
This leads me on to my last point, which I deem to be the most important. From a personal perspective, it's taken me a lot of conversation with close friends and family to discover that my ex has recently treated me appallingly, and so even under the unlikely circumstance that she was to ever want me back, she wouldn't deserve me. Even if you believe your love for them is unconditional, now is a time to begin to appreciate your self worth, and to acknowledge that the person that is meant for you would genuinely treat you like a prince(ss)/alternative gender neutral term (I'm not very good at this). I've come to realise that people speak truthfully when they suggest that someone who truly values you would never do anything that would risk them losing you. And so even if the person in question is to ever enter your life again, you shouldn't even consider speaking to them until they apologise sincerely and prove that they value your worth through both actions and words. If they fail to do this, then they are genuinely not worth your time, as much as you may love them.
I feel that, for now, my most healthy manner of thinking is to force myself to believe that my ex is never going to love me, and is accordingly never going to want me back. That doesn't get rid of my tendencies to idealise over highly improbable hypothetical situations where she'd admit that she still has feelings for me or misses me or whatever. At the end of the day, you need to be blunt with yourself and realise that you've done all you've can to fix your relationship; and so the rest of it is down to them. If they genuinely missed you they'd be here (or wherever you are?) trying to prove it - because, as my mother has said many times, where there's a will, there's a way. If they never do, that is no reflection upon yourself but simply a fact which accentuates the extent to which they don't deserve you; and I promise you that you will end up with someone that absolutely adores you, and accordingly pursues you themselves. What is meant for you won't pass you, you will meet your soulmate and they will come to you, regardless of whether they are a changed form of the person you've just broken up with or a completely different person altogether. As a strong believer in fate, I like to think that if I'm meant to be with the person who broke my heart, she will come back to me one day; if not, I'll end up with someone who will truly appreciate me for who I am. You shouldn't have to change for anybody.
Do you have any advice for people going through heartbreak? Please share your experiences in the comments section below.
Kate x
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